LAST MINUTE STRESSES !!!!!!

OH GOD WE LEAVE LONDON IN FORTY-EIGHT HOURS AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH MY BAG WEIGHS BUT IT FEELS REALLY HEAVY AND THERE'S STILL ALL THIS STUFF I HAVEN'T PACKED AND DID I REALLY BUY THIS MUCH CRAP WHILE I WAS OVER HERE ?? BUT I LOVED IT ALL AND IT WAS ALL ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY AT THE TIME (YES I NEEDED FOUR COATS, IT WAS WINTER FOR EIGHT MONTHS!) AND I DON'T WANT TO THROW ANY MORE STUFF AWAY IT'S ALL ESSENTIAL AND EVEN THOUGH IT'S ALMOST SUMMER IN STRAYA IT WILL SOON BE WINTER AGAIN AND WHY DIDN'T WE SEND MORE STUFF HOME WITH THE REMOVALISTS BUT HOW WERE WE SUPPOSED TO ANTICIPATE HOW MUCH STUFF WE STILL HAVE ??? WE COULD LEAVE SOME STUFF HERE BUT WHO KNOWS HOW LONG IT'LL BE TILL WE'RE BACK AND FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK EVERYTHING IS DIFFICULT AND I HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF AND NOT ENOUGH CHOCOLATE

OH THE FEELS!! SO MANY FEELS!

Three weeks to go, hormones are in flux and emotions are running high. I cry, or feel like crying, at the drop of a hat. I came out of our date-night movie, "About Time", with mascara staining my cheeks (it's a very good movie, you should go see it), as i'd blubbed all the way through it (damn you Richard Curtis).

We try not to talk too much about subjects that bring on stress, like "where will we live? how much money will we have? will i be able to get a job straight away that will support us both? what if gav can't find a job? will we be able to afford a car straight away? how long will we have to live with Dave? will we get a place in walking distance of shops? why are there only two major supermarket chains in Australia? when will the marriage visa be approved? how can we plan a wedding if we don't have a date yet? why do we need a wedding in the first place? can't we just sign the papers and be done with it? but i want my friends to come and celebrate with us...."  Boo hoo, waaah. More tears from Caz.

I get through it by putting a lid on my stresses, packing them away in a box marked Worry About It Later. This box will go in our checked luggage on the plane, and we will be carrying it when we are met at the airport by my lovely friend who will drive us back to Canberra. We have planned up to that moment, but not beyond. Some things to get through before that day include: some kind of birthday celebration, some kind of farewell event, a trip to Coventry to see the Two Tone Museum, another visit to the Tower of London (we went yesterday but i forgot my camera, and because we have the corporate tickets for another week i will go back to take photos), two nights in Paris, finish at work and have a party for the occasion, pack up everything and .... everything else.... And then, upon arrival in Canberra, unpack the Worry box and have a meltdown (maybe).

I know we will have a lot of support from friends and family back home. But I still worry about Gav and how he will find his place there, and how he will cope so far from home. The enormity of the situation is only just starting to occur to him... It was his decision to come to Australia, but i can't help taking on responsibility and being overwhelmed by the feels... I think i need help managing my feels, this can't be normal. I coped better when i decided to move to a foreign country on my own. I can't handle being responsible for another person's life changes. Relationships are hard. But i love him and i want to be with him in Australia.

*big shrug*

Canberra - A love letter

Your seasons flow from one to the other in a beautiful, seamless pattern. I can predict what will come next as we glide from frosty mornings to freezing, sunny days, and then to the gales and rain of Spring, punctuated by blossoms and poplar fluff, leading to warmer days when all i can think about are beers on a verandah somewhere. You're full of surprises, in your occasional torrential rain or long-lasting droughts and dust storms, and my adoration for you grows whenever you break with tradition - particularly if it's an unseasonably warm day in August, or a breezy day in February to cool us all down.

Your views are no accident, and I can't help but marvel when i gaze across lake and trees to catch glimpses of the Tower or House. A long street frames the view from another angle, and there's no doubt that this was intentional. I have spent many a long hour studying Taylor and Majura from Ainslie, and spotting landmarks in all directions from Red Hill. You remind me constantly of your natural and constructed wonders, and the ingenious use of the natural shape of your landscape to create space and vistas that everyone can share.

You house my friends - you shelter and protect them with your cocoon of  privilege and awareness afforded to the children of professional, educated people who have brought up their families to take an interest in and enjoy following the big issues debated in the House on the hill. You cultivated a population to include like-minded people with whom i feel more at home and at ease than any group i've ever met in all my years in all my home towns.

Your wide-open spaces relax me as i travel between different parts of town. Intersections, roundabouts and traffic lights give way to open roads passing between sheep paddocks, and any traffic anxieties (as few as they are) give way to sighs of relief and uninterrupted cruising - even if it's only for a few minutes.

The intimacy and comfort of a city with a small-town heart are evident in all corners of your sprawl. Even when shopping on the other side of town, one will probably bump into someone familiar, or find a charity sausage-sizzle being held for a group you recognise. As we grow and change together, there will always be somebody to reminisce with ("Do you remember when Electric Shadows was closing down, and all the great films they were showing?"), and some exciting new place to discover. Everyone's spent a hot January day at Big Splash, everyone's played Pooh-sticks on the bridges in Commonwealth Park, everyone's tried to break into Floriade after hours (haven't they...?)

I miss you. You hold my soul, and i have felt adrift since leaving you almost two years ago. What was i looking for? Perhaps just the chance to expand my experience and to appreciate my home a little more, because even back then, i knew you were the one for me. I can't wait to bring my English lover home to you - knowing you will help him to know me even more, to understand my journey and my passion for my home. I await the day i crest the hill over the Majura Road exit, and see that Tower and those mountains, and feel the joy i've felt on so many homecomings before.

More wedding stress

I've never been one to be very public about my relationships. Sure, i'll write the occasional sentimental status update on facebook, and i will hold hands and kiss in front of friends, but i don't necessarily talk in-depth about relationships to anyone but close friends. As an introvert, this is how i like it, and has been the main thing that worries me about the whole "wedding" thing - the fundamental idea of standing up in front of everyone and reading intensely personal vows and talking about our feelings scares the hell out of me.

Being bullied into marriage by the Australian Government is not how i pictured the beginning of my happily ever after, but here we are. It's certainly not Gav's idea of an ideal situation either, but here we are. Given the choice, i think we may have even been quite content to not marry at all... but here we are.

In my early twenties i harboured secret wedding fantasies. I drew pictures of dresses and stationery, i kept mental lists of venues i liked, and a playlist of love songs that simply HAD to be played at my wedding. It would involve calligraphy, marzipan, lace, rose petals and sugared almonds, because that's what a wedding looks like.

Now, however...  Weddings these days are much more "unique" than they ever needed to be in the past. Everybody, it seems, is doing something different - and yet they all look much the same (well, on The Knot anyway, which is why i read Offbeat Bride, to at least get a little more variety). And so in imagining our wedding, the freedom of knowing that it could look and function in whatever way we choose is TERRIFYING, and we're inclined to just go with the shortest, simplest ceremony we can imagine. But we still want a party, and we still want our friends to see how happy we are together... Sigh... We need to find a halfway point where it still feels like we're not being exposed and vulnerable, but where we can still share our happiness with others.

London-weary

It was easier last year, because everything was new and I was delightfully naive. I never asked "What should we do this weekend?" because i already had something in mind. Most of them involved going up to the city and exploring, or shopping, or visiting a museum or gallery.

Now i feel like i've been to every exhibition i want to go to, and seen all the things i wanted to see, even though every now and again i'm reminded of something i haven't yet seen. But even then i look at my bank account and wince - can i afford to be frittering money away on weekend travelcards and exhibition entry and market purchases? Or i look at the weather and cringe - it's so hot, if we decide to go to the park/coast/river/market/outdoorsy spot, every other man and his dog will be there. (Or - it's raining and so cold, we will be miserable no matter where we go, all the indoor spaces will be packed...)

I've also realised that while i was happy to boss Gav around last year, because i had all these great ideas, that i'm not so keen now. He's also stopped offering up ideas, for mostly the same reasons as i have. We're living in such an amazing, vibrant city, and we're both sick of it. For my part, i am increasingly travel-weary - having been away from "home" for so long, and travelling between two houses (mine and Gav's) each week, i haven't been "settled" in a very long time, which has led to anxiety and general irritability. Couple this with the stressful business of organising an international move, worries about the future (still too soon to make concrete living/working/studying plans in Straya, running short on cash and everything seems to cost so much money, not least of which are visa charges and A WEDDING), and you have a very annoyed pair of introverts.

London, I love you, but i think we need a break from each other. I feel like i'm being ungrateful, like i should be seizing the joy and wonder of the city every day, dancing through the streets and writing blog entries that wax lyrical about this marvellous town and everything it has to offer... Maybe i never really deserved to live in a city like this. I'm not a city girl, what was i thinking? I hate the crowds, i am sick of public transport, everything is too expensive, and everywhere is too busy. I should have just stuck with my original plan of living in a small town. I wouldn't have met Gav, though, or any of the cool friends i've met through work, or my housemates... I probably would have gone home after a year, maximum. Who knows.

Less than three months till i am home, with my sweetie in tow.

Defining Caz through a wedding

I've spent a lifetime attending other people's weddings, and at each of them i eyed the decorations, outfits, cakes, catering and entertainment, mentally filing it all away and smugly assuring myself "I certainly won't be doing THAT at my wedding", or "Oh that is SUCH a nice idea, I will do that!" (I have conveniently forgotten most of these ideas now.)

Having only been closely involved in the planning of one wedding before now, i actually know very little about the logistics of making these ideas happen. And the pressure of a wedding to be individual these days  - i don't remember ever considering EXACTLY HOW MUCH my wedding will be about defining WHO I AM before now. (Of course, i've never actually come close to needing to plan a wedding, so of course i am in completely new territory.) And of course, a lot of the wedding plan is still very tentative due to the visa not yet being in-hand. So although i would love to dive in and Pintrest the shit out of this event, i hold back. And because i am holding back, i am afraid i won't know where to start when crunch time comes.

I've always thought of myself as difficult to define. And never has become more apparent as when i'm trying to picture how i want my wedding to look. There all kinds of themes out there, but i don't think i (or my relationship) fits neatly within any of them. We love to travel, but we could hardly call ourselves adventurous globe-trotters. We love music, but both have wide and varied tastes - again, hard to put under a neat little label. We love to read, but are not exactly bookworms - i haven't read a book since January, and Gav's been on the same book since he started his OU course. I'm a bit of a geek, but not very much - and Gav isn't really at all. I love vintage and old-fashioned things, but as an almost entirely jeans-and-tshirt kind of girl, i feel a bit of a fraud dabbling in lace and buckles. We're not steampunk, we're not goth, we're not Trekkies or foodies or arty types. We're not film nerds, we're not comic book nerds, we're not theatre nerds, and the things we're individually nerdy about isn't necessarily shared with the other. (But i WILL one day make him watch ALL of Arrested Development. Oh yes. I will.) And in my beautiful and eclectic group of friends, i have at least one of all of these types of people, and i almost feel like i'm appropriating their "thing" if i consider a theme such as these.

So what to do? Abandon the "theme" idea altogether and just go for a patchwork wedding? Actually, that is a great idea! I literally just came up with that. Why not have Titanic-themed invitations, map-themed favours, hold the wedding someplace interesting like a vineyard or the War Memorial, wear a short dress, dance to first- and second-wave ska and reggae, eat ice-cream, quote obscure tv shows, watch classic movies and take the piss out of them, stay up all night talking in pyjamas with popcorn and wine... Wait. I forgot i was planning a wedding, and started planning ways to integrate Gav into my group of friends. Man, i miss them.

In the end, i am sure i would be happy to get married in a place that looks pretty, eat something that tastes delicious, listen to something that sounds beautiful, and wear something that looks fabulous - as long as i'm surrounded by my favourite people, and holding Gavin's hands. All the other details are open for suggestion and debate and critique - and i guess it's being indefinable that defines me.

Pic found on Oh So Beautiful Paper

Life can be hard work. For an introvert.

When i was a teenager, my mother said this to me: "You will have to get used to being the one who makes friends and organises things, because your man won't have time, and won't want to do that anyway." (I'm paraphrasing.) What she meant was that it's a woman's job to take care of the minutia of life in a partnership, and that if you want to have friends or social events, it will be up to you to make it happen. And if you want to book appointments or submit applications or speak to professionals, you will have to do it yourself. At the time, this bothered me - it seemed (to my undeveloped feminist reasoning) that she was mistaking her naturally outgoing personality for an innately female trait. And she was mistaking my father's introversion for an unwillingness to make friends or get things organised. But, there are three billion ways to do feminism, and this was the way my mum did it - she took charge, and her husband is an accommodating man who trusts her to take care of most things that he would rather not worry about. They work well together like that. They balance each other.

However, ever since i was a child, i knew that my personality was more like my father's than my mother's. I knew that i was not good at approaching strangers, and that i preferred to stick with a handful of close friends than take risks to make new ones. And although i have forced myself into new situations a few times (with great results, think Gang Show or Sweet Adelines, or going to uni or moving to London), it is still not my natural or preferred state of being to be thrust into a situation where i have to talk to new people, make uncertain phonecalls, or even talk to people i know (sometimes, when i prefer being alone). I began to consider switching the roles that my mother suggested, and dated a few extroverted boys who took charge of things. Unfortunately, an extroverted feminist man is hard to find, and it is hard to explain to one that i would like him to take charge in situations that i find anxiety-producing, but not boss me around in all other situations. Needless to say, those relationships did not work out.

My chosen one is introverted, but not shy. He understands the delicate balance that is my daily struggle - my desire to be in control, but also to be assisted through tough situations. This is how i know he is the best dude for me. Because being an adult is hard. Being an adult means making tough decisions, talking to strangers, and getting shit done - things i've never been good at getting myself to do. And being an adult and making decisions and getting shit done for the good of another person is a whole new kettle of clichés. I can't help but take on the lion's share of the responsibility and the anxiety. But i am trying to find a way to let him help me through. Sometimes i wish i had my mother's outgoing tendencies, but not having them is not the end of the story - it is  a skill that can be learned. Introversion is not a life sentence. And it's not about the role of the woman or the man in the relationship - it's about the role of each personality.