Life can be hard work. For an introvert.

When i was a teenager, my mother said this to me: "You will have to get used to being the one who makes friends and organises things, because your man won't have time, and won't want to do that anyway." (I'm paraphrasing.) What she meant was that it's a woman's job to take care of the minutia of life in a partnership, and that if you want to have friends or social events, it will be up to you to make it happen. And if you want to book appointments or submit applications or speak to professionals, you will have to do it yourself. At the time, this bothered me - it seemed (to my undeveloped feminist reasoning) that she was mistaking her naturally outgoing personality for an innately female trait. And she was mistaking my father's introversion for an unwillingness to make friends or get things organised. But, there are three billion ways to do feminism, and this was the way my mum did it - she took charge, and her husband is an accommodating man who trusts her to take care of most things that he would rather not worry about. They work well together like that. They balance each other.

However, ever since i was a child, i knew that my personality was more like my father's than my mother's. I knew that i was not good at approaching strangers, and that i preferred to stick with a handful of close friends than take risks to make new ones. And although i have forced myself into new situations a few times (with great results, think Gang Show or Sweet Adelines, or going to uni or moving to London), it is still not my natural or preferred state of being to be thrust into a situation where i have to talk to new people, make uncertain phonecalls, or even talk to people i know (sometimes, when i prefer being alone). I began to consider switching the roles that my mother suggested, and dated a few extroverted boys who took charge of things. Unfortunately, an extroverted feminist man is hard to find, and it is hard to explain to one that i would like him to take charge in situations that i find anxiety-producing, but not boss me around in all other situations. Needless to say, those relationships did not work out.

My chosen one is introverted, but not shy. He understands the delicate balance that is my daily struggle - my desire to be in control, but also to be assisted through tough situations. This is how i know he is the best dude for me. Because being an adult is hard. Being an adult means making tough decisions, talking to strangers, and getting shit done - things i've never been good at getting myself to do. And being an adult and making decisions and getting shit done for the good of another person is a whole new kettle of clichés. I can't help but take on the lion's share of the responsibility and the anxiety. But i am trying to find a way to let him help me through. Sometimes i wish i had my mother's outgoing tendencies, but not having them is not the end of the story - it is  a skill that can be learned. Introversion is not a life sentence. And it's not about the role of the woman or the man in the relationship - it's about the role of each personality.