Defining Caz through a wedding

I've spent a lifetime attending other people's weddings, and at each of them i eyed the decorations, outfits, cakes, catering and entertainment, mentally filing it all away and smugly assuring myself "I certainly won't be doing THAT at my wedding", or "Oh that is SUCH a nice idea, I will do that!" (I have conveniently forgotten most of these ideas now.)

Having only been closely involved in the planning of one wedding before now, i actually know very little about the logistics of making these ideas happen. And the pressure of a wedding to be individual these days  - i don't remember ever considering EXACTLY HOW MUCH my wedding will be about defining WHO I AM before now. (Of course, i've never actually come close to needing to plan a wedding, so of course i am in completely new territory.) And of course, a lot of the wedding plan is still very tentative due to the visa not yet being in-hand. So although i would love to dive in and Pintrest the shit out of this event, i hold back. And because i am holding back, i am afraid i won't know where to start when crunch time comes.

I've always thought of myself as difficult to define. And never has become more apparent as when i'm trying to picture how i want my wedding to look. There all kinds of themes out there, but i don't think i (or my relationship) fits neatly within any of them. We love to travel, but we could hardly call ourselves adventurous globe-trotters. We love music, but both have wide and varied tastes - again, hard to put under a neat little label. We love to read, but are not exactly bookworms - i haven't read a book since January, and Gav's been on the same book since he started his OU course. I'm a bit of a geek, but not very much - and Gav isn't really at all. I love vintage and old-fashioned things, but as an almost entirely jeans-and-tshirt kind of girl, i feel a bit of a fraud dabbling in lace and buckles. We're not steampunk, we're not goth, we're not Trekkies or foodies or arty types. We're not film nerds, we're not comic book nerds, we're not theatre nerds, and the things we're individually nerdy about isn't necessarily shared with the other. (But i WILL one day make him watch ALL of Arrested Development. Oh yes. I will.) And in my beautiful and eclectic group of friends, i have at least one of all of these types of people, and i almost feel like i'm appropriating their "thing" if i consider a theme such as these.

So what to do? Abandon the "theme" idea altogether and just go for a patchwork wedding? Actually, that is a great idea! I literally just came up with that. Why not have Titanic-themed invitations, map-themed favours, hold the wedding someplace interesting like a vineyard or the War Memorial, wear a short dress, dance to first- and second-wave ska and reggae, eat ice-cream, quote obscure tv shows, watch classic movies and take the piss out of them, stay up all night talking in pyjamas with popcorn and wine... Wait. I forgot i was planning a wedding, and started planning ways to integrate Gav into my group of friends. Man, i miss them.

In the end, i am sure i would be happy to get married in a place that looks pretty, eat something that tastes delicious, listen to something that sounds beautiful, and wear something that looks fabulous - as long as i'm surrounded by my favourite people, and holding Gavin's hands. All the other details are open for suggestion and debate and critique - and i guess it's being indefinable that defines me.

Pic found on Oh So Beautiful Paper

Life can be hard work. For an introvert.

When i was a teenager, my mother said this to me: "You will have to get used to being the one who makes friends and organises things, because your man won't have time, and won't want to do that anyway." (I'm paraphrasing.) What she meant was that it's a woman's job to take care of the minutia of life in a partnership, and that if you want to have friends or social events, it will be up to you to make it happen. And if you want to book appointments or submit applications or speak to professionals, you will have to do it yourself. At the time, this bothered me - it seemed (to my undeveloped feminist reasoning) that she was mistaking her naturally outgoing personality for an innately female trait. And she was mistaking my father's introversion for an unwillingness to make friends or get things organised. But, there are three billion ways to do feminism, and this was the way my mum did it - she took charge, and her husband is an accommodating man who trusts her to take care of most things that he would rather not worry about. They work well together like that. They balance each other.

However, ever since i was a child, i knew that my personality was more like my father's than my mother's. I knew that i was not good at approaching strangers, and that i preferred to stick with a handful of close friends than take risks to make new ones. And although i have forced myself into new situations a few times (with great results, think Gang Show or Sweet Adelines, or going to uni or moving to London), it is still not my natural or preferred state of being to be thrust into a situation where i have to talk to new people, make uncertain phonecalls, or even talk to people i know (sometimes, when i prefer being alone). I began to consider switching the roles that my mother suggested, and dated a few extroverted boys who took charge of things. Unfortunately, an extroverted feminist man is hard to find, and it is hard to explain to one that i would like him to take charge in situations that i find anxiety-producing, but not boss me around in all other situations. Needless to say, those relationships did not work out.

My chosen one is introverted, but not shy. He understands the delicate balance that is my daily struggle - my desire to be in control, but also to be assisted through tough situations. This is how i know he is the best dude for me. Because being an adult is hard. Being an adult means making tough decisions, talking to strangers, and getting shit done - things i've never been good at getting myself to do. And being an adult and making decisions and getting shit done for the good of another person is a whole new kettle of clichés. I can't help but take on the lion's share of the responsibility and the anxiety. But i am trying to find a way to let him help me through. Sometimes i wish i had my mother's outgoing tendencies, but not having them is not the end of the story - it is  a skill that can be learned. Introversion is not a life sentence. And it's not about the role of the woman or the man in the relationship - it's about the role of each personality.