More wedding stress

I've never been one to be very public about my relationships. Sure, i'll write the occasional sentimental status update on facebook, and i will hold hands and kiss in front of friends, but i don't necessarily talk in-depth about relationships to anyone but close friends. As an introvert, this is how i like it, and has been the main thing that worries me about the whole "wedding" thing - the fundamental idea of standing up in front of everyone and reading intensely personal vows and talking about our feelings scares the hell out of me.

Being bullied into marriage by the Australian Government is not how i pictured the beginning of my happily ever after, but here we are. It's certainly not Gav's idea of an ideal situation either, but here we are. Given the choice, i think we may have even been quite content to not marry at all... but here we are.

In my early twenties i harboured secret wedding fantasies. I drew pictures of dresses and stationery, i kept mental lists of venues i liked, and a playlist of love songs that simply HAD to be played at my wedding. It would involve calligraphy, marzipan, lace, rose petals and sugared almonds, because that's what a wedding looks like.

Now, however...  Weddings these days are much more "unique" than they ever needed to be in the past. Everybody, it seems, is doing something different - and yet they all look much the same (well, on The Knot anyway, which is why i read Offbeat Bride, to at least get a little more variety). And so in imagining our wedding, the freedom of knowing that it could look and function in whatever way we choose is TERRIFYING, and we're inclined to just go with the shortest, simplest ceremony we can imagine. But we still want a party, and we still want our friends to see how happy we are together... Sigh... We need to find a halfway point where it still feels like we're not being exposed and vulnerable, but where we can still share our happiness with others.

London-weary

It was easier last year, because everything was new and I was delightfully naive. I never asked "What should we do this weekend?" because i already had something in mind. Most of them involved going up to the city and exploring, or shopping, or visiting a museum or gallery.

Now i feel like i've been to every exhibition i want to go to, and seen all the things i wanted to see, even though every now and again i'm reminded of something i haven't yet seen. But even then i look at my bank account and wince - can i afford to be frittering money away on weekend travelcards and exhibition entry and market purchases? Or i look at the weather and cringe - it's so hot, if we decide to go to the park/coast/river/market/outdoorsy spot, every other man and his dog will be there. (Or - it's raining and so cold, we will be miserable no matter where we go, all the indoor spaces will be packed...)

I've also realised that while i was happy to boss Gav around last year, because i had all these great ideas, that i'm not so keen now. He's also stopped offering up ideas, for mostly the same reasons as i have. We're living in such an amazing, vibrant city, and we're both sick of it. For my part, i am increasingly travel-weary - having been away from "home" for so long, and travelling between two houses (mine and Gav's) each week, i haven't been "settled" in a very long time, which has led to anxiety and general irritability. Couple this with the stressful business of organising an international move, worries about the future (still too soon to make concrete living/working/studying plans in Straya, running short on cash and everything seems to cost so much money, not least of which are visa charges and A WEDDING), and you have a very annoyed pair of introverts.

London, I love you, but i think we need a break from each other. I feel like i'm being ungrateful, like i should be seizing the joy and wonder of the city every day, dancing through the streets and writing blog entries that wax lyrical about this marvellous town and everything it has to offer... Maybe i never really deserved to live in a city like this. I'm not a city girl, what was i thinking? I hate the crowds, i am sick of public transport, everything is too expensive, and everywhere is too busy. I should have just stuck with my original plan of living in a small town. I wouldn't have met Gav, though, or any of the cool friends i've met through work, or my housemates... I probably would have gone home after a year, maximum. Who knows.

Less than three months till i am home, with my sweetie in tow.