Thinking through the important things in the shower. It's a time when i can't silence my brain with tv or distract it with music. It's a time when my thoughts used to drift into dangerous waters, no pun intended, particularly concerning certain people who used to torment my mind. But that doesn't happen anymore. I can honestly say i don't think of him anymore. And even when i do, it's fleeting, and is not accompanied by that sickening feeling of loss and regret. Finally.
But anyway. I had a thought. Perhaps my inability to commit to a career or a man or a place to live is related to my refusal to accept stereotypes and assumptions about people, places, life in general. I hate broad statements about men, women, children, families, homes, jobs, etc, etc, etc, because for me most of them ring false. I can always think of examples from my own life or those close to me that disprove myths about the normal/regular/acceptable way to do things, so i frown and say "No. There must be another way."
Stereotypes are the lazy brain's filler material. People have one or two (or possibly more) experiences in life that are somehow connected, and stereotypes and assumptions fill in the gaps for them. Dated two boys from Tuggeranong who lived with their parents? "God, Tuggers men are so lame and unemployable." Had a black guy steal from you when you were in the army forty years ago? "All black people are thieving bastards." Heard on the news about a bunch of Lebanese boys who gang-raped a white girl? "Fucking Leb cunts, all they want to do is steal our women while they keep their own locked up at home wearing hijabs." (All of this shit is stuff i've heard coming out of the mouths of people i know, or used to know.)
I refuse to accept any of this. I hate to comment on anything until i've experienced it for myself. So i keep flitting from man to man, from house to house, from job to job, in search of different experiences. I have secret disdain for people i know who presume to discuss with me what "men" are like, or what "children" are like in any way. Really. From someone who married their first or second boyfriend, and proceeded to have two children. What the fuck do you know about "men" in general, or "children" in general. You know YOUR man, and you know YOUR children. Hedge your opinions with this little disclaimer, and i will be much more willing to listen. Tell me what YOUR man is like in certain situation, but don't presume all men are like that. God. Same for when you're bitching about your boss, Person Who's Had Two Jobs In Their Life. "Bosses" aren't all the same.
I don't know why this fires me up so much. I can't say what's prompted this rant, but here it is. It's my blog, i'll rant if i want to.
He he I joined blogspot just so I could comment on this! Well, I wanted to comment on many previous entries but today is the day I actually did. LOVE reading about your life, and more interestingly, your 'inside' thoughts. Thanks for sharing, Caz :)
ReplyDeleteThis is the year for No Tolerance of No Tolerance! Have noticed quite a few people around me, and myself included, who are just over racism, sexism, stereotyping and belligerent attitudes. Some have actively started to speak up, unfriend and pull up people on their bs.
I wanted to say that I hear you when you say 'there must be another way'. There is, it's YOUR way. My mum used to say that I always wanted to reinvent the wheel - I used to refuse to follow any trodden path and insist on working it out on my own. I still have mixed feelings about this, because it makes everything a good deal harder when you're trying to do everything from scratch, but generally I have come to trust my instincts and accept this, and I am happier for doing things my own way. I feel that you are truly following your own path too, and oh yes it can be hard and scary...I like to think that the anxiety and worry shows that you really care, that you're not just vaguely being shepherded through life according to conventional ideals and that your instincts are working!
I also wanted to pull you up on your 'inability to commit' business. That is utter bs! You are living in London! You committed to that shit and even in the darkest hours you stuck with it and persevered and now have a blog all about it. In your relationships you have always been 100% real and upfront and committed. In work, you have made the best decisions you could have made based on the info you had at the time - you weigh up realistic options, long-term goals, happiness, enjoyment and necessity. You have done, and are doing, really well. Just like I said before, the anxiety you feel is GOOD! It means that you are truly reconsidering your situation and it means that you really give a shit about what you're spending time on. It also means that the next step is decision-making and that means you will be getting on with it and going through the cycle of action/evaluation/planning/action/revaluation.
Phew! Enough from me! Love you darl, love reading this blog, and love seeing your photos!
xo
My dear Marna, you have improved my day immensely. You are so wise. Of course everything you say is true, and on most days i know that for certain - but we all have days when we doubt, and days when we wonder if those who take the path more travelled are actually onto something. But i wouldn't exchange a comfy, thoughtless existence for what i have now.
DeleteI love you lots, you're a wonderful role model. Congrats on your graduation - i can't wait to see photos!! :) xx