After being engaged for at least five weeks now, i feel i am extremely qualified to talk about weddings. Never fear, gentle reader, this is not about to become a wedding blog - but i cannot promise there will not be a post or two from time to time relating to my impending nuptials.
Being engaged has changed my life. The sun shines more brightly, food tastes better and i walk with a spring in my step. Actually, not really. The only main things that have changed is that i have to keep correcting myself when i refer to "my boyfriend", because now it's "my fiancé"; and that more people ask to look at my left hand than ever before. (Just for the record, i do not have a ring. There will probably be one at some point, but not yet.) And suddenly, i have a real and valid opinion on wedding planning. (Actually, it's not that sudden... i have always had opinions on weddings. But now, i feel validated in my ability to have them and to share them.) I also feel like i can watch Bridezillas for a valid reason, i.e. "research", rather than the reason i watched it before, i.e. "loling at trashbags yelling at each other".
I can't stop watching. It's like a car crash. I slow down, i stare, i can't look away. I absent-mindedly insert some form of dinner into my mouth while i watch these women scream at everyone who comes within spitting distance of them or their wedding. It's been like this several days a week for the past month. (OK, the past few months.) For me, the best part is Bitchy Voiceover Lady. She is so sarcastic it makes my eyes water, and her patronising comments merely heighten the horrible enjoyment i get from watching these brides as they melt down. I hate her, but i love her. I hate the show, but i love it. I struggle with it when i view it through a feminist framework, of course, but i don't think the fact that these women are brides is what makes them bitches. I think they're just awful people. Some of them have horrible parents and partners, too, so it's not even just the bride most of the time. But i digress.
I have learned many things after spending many hours with my guilty pleasure. And while voyeurism can be fun, i do occasionally wonder what i would honestly do if i was in some of these ridiculous situations (seriously, how many of these brides are still picking up their dresses/suits/shoes two days before the wedding??! TOO MANY.)
1. I will not have bridesmaids.
Not because i don't love my friends and want them to be a part of the day - I do! Not because i don't want any help with the wedding bizzo - I definitely do! But because i know that i take out stress on those closest to me, and i couldn't bear doing that to my closest friends. Also, i couldn't think of anything more dull than telling my friends what to wear. Also, my closest friends are of different genders. Also, i don't want to have to choose between them. Also, just because someone is a great person and a loving friend doesn't automatically mean they're the best person for the job of stressed-out-Caz-wrangling (isn't that essentially what being a bridesmaid is??)
2. I will have something to wear at least a month before the wedding (as will Gav, and all other important people in the party).
Seriously, why is this a recurring problem in Bridezillas?! So many brides losing their shit at tailors and boutique owners because their dress isn't ready or isn't available when they're only days out from the wedding! What the fuck?!
3. I will be gentle with Gav, and my friends and family.
Most of the Bridezillas are complete tools to everyone in their lives - their parents, their close friends, and even their fiancés. People who are trying to help them, people who love them. And these bitches will yell, swear, insult and even physically attack them when they are unhappy with the way things are going. Even the manner in which the Bridezillas talk to their betrothed is downright nasty sometimes. So i resolve to remind myself often of why i am getting married, and to whom. It isn't to myself. And being invited to my wedding is not a trophy i get to hand out to worthy friends as a reward for knowing me - I will invite the people who are my community, my family, my soulmates. I have a lot of them, and i am so lucky.
5. I will not have a hen do. At least not a "traditional" one.
No strippers. No pink sash. No plastic crown. No penis motifs. No. No. No. I do not feel i need to elaborate on this. It is simply not me, not my idea of fun. So, no.
6. I will not spend a lot of money.
Because i don't have it. And money is better spent on things like houses, cars and visas anyway.
These will be my commandments, if you will, as i descend into the wedding planning minefield. For now, though, due in part to the fact that no actual planning will be done until a certain Englishman has a happy little Australian visa in his hand, I am content to bask in the glow of coupledom, just enjoying calling each other "fiancé" and continuing along our merry way in this beautiful city before we have to leave it. Bridezilla Caz shall never be. This is my solemn vow.
